


Everything And Nothing

by wingless



Category: Persona 4
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Character Study, Friendship, Gen, It's Symbolic, Switching Points of View, senpai notices himself and begins to have an existential crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-22
Updated: 2013-03-22
Packaged: 2017-12-06 03:50:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/731158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wingless/pseuds/wingless
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You can only get away with being the only one  among the team not to have to face yourself for so long, even when you are Souji Seta. In the end, you're still human.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everything And Nothing

**Author's Note:**

> I've been wanting to write this ever since I saw _The Animation_ but only got off my butt to actually do it recently... thus this is inspired and contains some elements from it- episodes 11-12, 23, and 26 in particular, while still taking place within game continuity and watching the anime is not necessary to understand it (since I know that it's... controversial). T rating is for slight language, to be safe.

Out of all the dungeons they encountered, this one is the strangest.

Not in the same way as the others, oh no. There's strip club strange, bathouse of creepy comments strange, old fashioned video game strange, and the like, the type that's the extremely uncomfortable, embarrassing kind of strange. But when they fought through the dark, twisted variation of Inaba born out of Adachi's consciousness, an unsettling, corrupt version of the town where they lived in, those of them who were kidnapped and saved and created their own dungeons suddenly found their alternative preferable. _Embarrassing_ is at least something to laugh about. _Embarrassing_ is at least better than unsettling, uncomfortable, and almost frightening. It's different to go through the mindscape of a kidnapped teenage and through that of a sadistic murderer.

This is neither of them, however. This is the confusing kind of strange, and the fact that it's so confusing is perhaps a little bit unsettling for very different reasons. There's castles and strip clubs and bathouses and videogames laboratories out of children's shows, and then there's a grey gate on a dark floor, its fence surrounding nothing darkness. The thing about the other dungeons is, that their meaning was clear enough, even when you barely knew anything, or not at all, for the person responsible for it. This one leaves everyone standing and staring and dumbfounded, and uncomfortable with the idea that this one, for once, belongs to the leader who they have been following, fought side by side with, and knew for months, almost a year.

With Souji's absence, it was left to Yosuke to temporary take the leader's place. The team agreed unanimously; it's only natural for his official second-in-command to step in, they said, but Yosuke suspected that the circumstances helped a lot. If they were any less tense, there would have been a long line of fighting and bickering about it. Well, mostly between himself and Chie. Truthfully, Yosuke wouldn't have minded that. Even if she did have a habit of bringing pain upon his nether regions and that wasn't exactly pleasant. 

But at its nature, their bickering was playful and friendly, and it would lighten up the atmosphere; after the past two months, starting from Nanako-chan's kidnapping and to Ameno-Sagiri's defeat, Yosuke had to really appreciate the time when they could afford to act like a group of silly teenagers. Yukiko's laughing fits, Teddie's suggestive comments and bad jokes, Rise's shameless flirting with Souji, Kanji's yelling and blushing, and his own bickering with Chie were things he didn't even realize how much he missed until Yukiko had one of her bursts of laughter for the first time in months and he realized how long it has been since any of them last happened.

Yosuke thought they'd return to the usual after finally catching the killer and figuring out the mystery, but now Souji suddenly disappeared only to appear in the TV and to be tracked to well, here, so they'll have to postpone _that_ for a while. 

So while everyone stares at the entrance in front of them, looking as baffled as he is, Yosuke sighs. "Alright, I know this is weird and I'm just as confused as all you guys, but we can't stand around gaping at this all day. We need to get moving." 

Everyone tears their eyes off the gate to stare at him expectantly. Everyone except Rise. Oh, right, this is the part where Souji would chose who goes with him and who follows, them from a distance while they clear through, isn't it. It makes him wish he'd kept closer track of everyone's exact skills and abilities; he'd have to go off what he knows from memory, which isn't much beyond the basics.

"So..." Bah, this is making him nervous. He really isn't made for leading. Who could use some training and hadn't went fighting for the longest? But maybe it's not a good idea to chose based on that when they're rescuing someone instead of going training. No, first he needs someone who could take Souji's place, and the answer to that one is easy enough when there are abilities only one of them aside of Souji had. "Shirogane..." He pauses in thought. "Amagi, and... Tatsumi. You're with me."

For a brief moment Naoto's face lights up in excitement. It probably doesn't help that she's the one who gets the least opportunity to participate in battle. Souji doesn't say it out loud, and never discussed it or even mentioned it, but he seems not to consider her that useful. Yosuke agrees with him, though he feels a little bad for it; it has nothing to do with Naoto's skills, as she has plenty of them, and they are useful on their own, but rather that her set of abilities isn't necessary with Souji around.

They stand in front of the vortex within the gate, and step forward. "Alright. Let's go." _Wait for us, partner. We're not going to leave you there for long._

**Floor One**

"The hell?"

The rest of the team is tempted to echo that, but Yosuke expresses their thoughts so clearly eloquently enough that there isn't much of a need to; the last thing they expected to see when they stepped through the gate is to find themselves in the familiar blood-colored streets of Adachi's version of Inaba.

"Hey, Kujikawa!" Yosuke sounds more panicked than confused. "What going on in—"

"It's alright, guys. You're in the right place." Upon seeing the doubt upon their faces, Rise adds, "This isn't actually Adachi's place. It's just a replica. I don't know why it looks like this, but..."

"But?"

For a moment she is distracted. She can sense it through Kanzeon; the distress, the anxiety and anguish and worry, what she always felt whenever they went to rescue someone, but there is something else she has trouble recognizing. "I'm positive that it's the right place. I can clearly sense Senpai on the highest floor." 

It's not the overpowering malice she felt all throughout the original, so thick in the air you felt you could touch it, that covered everything in the streets, and the absence of that sensation makes it odd, somehow, to go through this place (which is such a perfectly accurate imitation that only Kanzeon's scan and her own abilities assure her that they haven't somehow ended up back there) without feeling it. It bothers her, and worries her, a lot of small, little things about all this, and it must show on her face that Yosuke's voice comes into her mind, asking, _Something up, Kujikawa?_ while they make their way through. She kind of wishes he didn't figure out how to do that, and wonders briefly if the rest of the group can hear their mental exchange as she responds, slowly. _This place... feels a little different from all the others, that's all._

He doesn't press the subject, thankfully. Rise finds herself thinking back to four months ago, and their fight with Kubo; how it managed to leave Senpai paralyzed with fear and trapped him inside its shell, and Yosuke-senpai pulled him out and brought him out of his fear. Whatever was it that happened in between, Souji didn't talk about; but it was clear enough that it wasn't he usual way their shadows would affect them when the first thing he did after being brought back is to attack it with more fierceness than ever before. He summoned Persona after Persona at lightning speeds, putting more emotion into his attacks then ever before, using his most powerful attacks.

Everyone understood and stepped aside and let him deal the most damage, still participating but primarily acting as support, and he demolished it utterly and entirely all with his own power until nothing of the deranged creature born out of Kubo's consciousness remained. It did something to him, Kubo's shadow, that made Senpai respond that way as a comeback. _I am not empty!_ , Souji shouted then. But the moment she remembered that, Rise recognized that it was emptiness that she sensed here, a big gaping hollow space, and a growing fear, different from anxiety, and the _feeling_ she senses within this dungeon is strangely similair to that she picked up in Kubo's.

The Shadows, they soon discover, are exact and accurate copies to the same degree, right down to the weaknesses and strengths matching up perfectly. Sometimes one of them would hit a weakness without any need of Rise's input, just through vague memories of fighting during their chase for Adachi, and despite how the shadows in every dungeon were always stronger than the last, this one's they fight through with surprising ease. It seems that they stumbled upon every single Shadow they ever encountered in the original by the time they're only halfway through the floor.

"Hey, guys, is it just me," Kanji says as he sends an electricity spell towards a Fanatic Tower, "-or is way too easy?"

"You're just asking for trouble by saying stuff like that." Behind Yosuke, Susano-o's figure slowly fades. "Personally, I think it's a welcome break. We can make our way much faster like that, too."

"Kanji-kun's right, though." Yukiko says. "This really is much easier than when we were fighting through the real thing, isn't it?"

"Yes, but I think that the circumstances being somewhat different in that case played a part in that." Naoto glances at the surroundings thoughtfully. "Still... it is odd. The shadows should be stronger than that."

It hits Rise then. "That's because this place is a replica."

Naoto blinks, and gasps. "Ah, I see. Because they are exact copies, they are exactly as strong as their originals as well."

"Exactly." And as a completley different voice speaks from behind them everyone jumps slightly, and Rise feels her heart skip a beat. "So don't be complaining about your good fortune, now! It's not every day you get lucky." 

They turn around, and there-

There, standing on top of one of piles of televisions and trash that form this place's walls hands in its pockets and its posture casual, yet somehow subtly dangerous and ominous looking at the same time, is Souji's shadow.

_This is Senpai. This is Senpai's inner self._

The idea makes her breath catch her throat and and excitement jolt through her at the same. It's terrible of her, isn't it? She shouldn't be feelings that away. But Senpai is always so guarded, so controlled, so collected, that seeing a part of him that's so from deep within him, a part of himself that he isn't in control of, that he can't choose what exactly to show and how, is exciting. As if she's looking inside him without him knowing, and in a way that's exactly what it is. It's like seeing the dirty laundry of someone who's constantly, spotlessly clean to impossible degrees; you know it exists in theory, that it should because they're human, but knowing that it exists for sure brings upon a sense of relief at the knowledge that even they aren't that perfect.

"Hey, guys!" Instead of smirking like she expects it to, it flashes a cheerful little grin that is familiar, but not on Senpai, with a friendly wave. "Boy, you sure made it here quick. Good job! I guess I shouldn't be surprised, even if we did know each other for several months, we're not like the other cases, right? But, I don't know, I guess I was just kinda worried." It says it with a small, slightly nervous little laugh.

What _is_ familiar about it? It certainly isn't acting like Souji and it couldn't be more out of place, but-- 

"Anyway, you're looking for _me_ , right? Ah, well, about that... he's not available right now, so.. you're going to have to go with the usual routine, haha. Sorry. So I thought, hey, I should come here to greet you in his place! Looks like you're busy, though, and I wouldn't want to interrupt! So I'll see you later."

"Hold on-" Yosuke began to say as it hops off and turns to leave, but instead of simply walking away it evaporates in a flash before he could continue. He stands there for a moment, staring at the place where it had been before it disappeared, scratching the back of his head

**Floor Two**

The second floor can't be more different from the other one. There's no way to describe the feeling of going through the darkest, most unpleasant dungeon they know and then emerging in its exact opposite. Yukiko blinks a little as her eyes adjust to the sudden burst of light, the sudden shift from darkness and shades of red to light, to whites and blues. Bright colors, rainbows and clouds in the sky, a fog that somehow looks much more innocent and harmless, a stone floor- a copy of illustrations of heaven from children's books put into the real world. Where they tracked Nanako and Namatame.

The truth is that in spite of how pleasant and peaceful it is, Yukiko doesn't really like this place. Souji, she remembers, confessed once to the team that he rather not return there if possible. _Brings back unpleasant memories_ , he said, and everyone nodded and admitted to feeling much the same way. Perhaps they will always associate it, above all, with memories of an exceptionally painful time, filled with suppressed fear and worry and desperation to fight through it and save Nanako as soon as they could. 

And the Shadow they fought there was perhaps one of their most difficult fights. It was not their most powerful enemy, but it's not a fight any of them like to remember nor bring up. None of the enemies they encountered could _control_ them.

" _Let's get a picture if you and me and Dad all together one day!"_ Nanako's voice suddenly rings through, and it sends a wave of unpleasant nostalgia, but this is unlike the sad and longing voice of a little girl who lost her mother. There's a giggle and an " _I love you, big bro!_ ", before her voice is replaced by Dojima's. " _We're, you know... family._ " It says, distant yet fond and gentle.

And then it's Souji's voice that comes to take its place.

" _Family, he said... yeah, that's right._ This _is a real family. And the people who call themselves my parents, they think they can compare to that? Dojima-san and Nanako have been more family to me in eight months then they've been all my life. I wonder what would have happened if I'd done it, when I thought Nanako died. I think... I think I was just one step away from it. I don't know if, had I not known the truth, had I still thought it was Nanako's murderer I punished, I'd have regretted it afterwards._ "

And Yukiko remembers. She remembers how during the night when Nanako-chan seems to have died and they lost all hope, and during the time, they stopped being a pack of kids playing detective, but a group of grief-struck people with the power to do truly terrible things depending on how they used it. She remembers the way Yosuke turned grim and cold, and the way Souji, while everyone argued about whether to push Namatame or not, grabbed at him when they weren't looking, and was only a second, a hair's breadth away from becoming a murderer.

Yukiko couldn't see his face, but there was something all the more chilling about the sight of his back while he held Namatame in front of the TV, in cold, complete silence, while the man in his arms hysterically yelled and screamed.

"I think," Naoto's says, beside her, breaking the brief silence. "I understand now."

"Naoto-kun?"

"It's mere speculation for now, and I'll have to see some more to confirm it, but I believe I have a theory on what the pattern here is. If I am correct, we'll be able to deduce what the appearance if each floor is... though if I am correct, it also won't be entirely necessary." 

"Then let's get through this one quickly. I think we all prefer not to stay here too long." Yosuke says, earning a nod from everyone in response.

**Floor Three**

Naoto's eyes narrow the moment she steps into the familiarly chilly, light green-colored and rust-covered interior of the laboratory she woke up in during her own kidnapping. For a moment, she nearly wanted to be wrong, simply not to have to come in here again. Distantly, she hears a voice belonging to her own shadow, endlessly looping like a recorder on repeat, " _No! No, no, don't go! Why? Why're you leaving me here!? Why am I always left alone!? It's so lonely… I don't wanna be alone!_ "

Everyone turns to look at her, the question "Well?" written all over their faces.

"If you are wondering, yes, that does confirm it. It seems that every floor copies an existing dungeon... in reverse order of encounter, that is."

The why, however, was another question entirely, and one she didn't have the slightest idea about.

"Correct." _You need to stop doing that,_ Naoto thinks with a flinch. It's not quite as surprising as the first time it sneaked up on them to suddenly speak, but unexpected enough, after its absence in the previous floor to invoke the same slight jump reaction in everyone again.

It stands against a wall, posture entirely different from its previous appearance; it goes from casual and friendly, a slight slouch in its shoulders, to professional and cold, back straight, a hand on the hip, a matching expressionless face that resembles the Senpai she knows much more.

"Truthfully, I thought you would have deducted that instantly, as our ace-detective, but it is reasonable to seek confirmation first."

Naoto had never witnessed any of the Shadows properly, having come last; and being here and seeing, face-to-face, that of her leader for the past three months, she is honestly at loss at how to approach it. Perhaps that is why it's for the best to leave it to Yosuke to speak to it, and he does.

"Souji. You said he's not available. What does that mean, exactly?"

"Exactly as it seems to. He cannot come to meet you in my place even if he wished to. Incidentally, upon arrival he attempted to escape, hoping to meet you halfway and simply leave. It could not be allowed."

Yosuke freezes. "You... did you do something to him? What did you-"

"Nothing beyond preventing his escape. However, though he is unharmed, his current state is nothing he didn't allow. Even he isn't immune to the allure of the idea of living within delusion."

_That can't be_ , Naoto thinks. _Not Senpai. If anyone is immune to it, it's Senpai._

"The hell's that supposed to mean?!" Kanji is quick to demand, but the shadow conveniently disappears before he can finish that sentence. 

"Seems like his shadow isn't any more verbose than he is." Yosuke laughs in an attempted joke that's met with silence.

"...It's taunting us. Luring us into following it." _Then I suppose we will have to knowingly do exactly as it wishes._

**Floor Four**

" _I... have nothing..._ " The quiet, lifeless voice of Mitsuo's shadow echoes above them. " _...I am nothing..._ "

" _...Shut up._ "

" _Friendship is an illusion._ "

" _Shut up!_ "

" _Your bonds are meaningless._ "

" _Shut up, shut up, shut up!_ "

" _You are like me._ "

" _That isn't true! I'm_ nothing _like you!_ "

" _Come... I'll end your emptiness..._ "

" _I'm not... I'm not empty! Right now, I'm happy... I have my friends, and they'll always be with me, and this time- this time is not like all the others! They're different. We have something special that brought us together! These guys, they'll never leave me!_ "

"Remember when Kubo got arrested and we thought the case was over," Yukiko says, as they make their way through the brown corridors, and she cats a fire spell towards an Ardent Dancer, "And we were afraid that solving the case means that we'll no longer be able gather together like we used to?"

"Yeah," Yosuke says, jumping at a shadow and cutting it neatly in half with his knives. "He asked about it when we finally caught Mitsuo, too. About still being friends. He didn't show it much, but he wasn't any less worried about it than the rest of us. Ugh, I forgot how much I hate this place. Last time we came here it gave me headaches for _days_."

Still, Yosuke always wondered, and still did, just what is it that Mitsuo's shadow showed Souji; the paralyzing fear it brought upon him was not something usual, Yosuke could tell, from the moment it took care to also trap him and considering how Souji reacted afterwards. It showed him something very specific, he knew it. He would have asked, but, well- in truth he was expecting that Souji would tell him on his own, but he didn't, and in time he just sort of forgot about it. It didn't feel like it mattered. Yosuke didn't want to press the issue if it was something Souji didn't want to bring up, and there was never any really room to bring it up properly.

Now he wonders if she should have put a little more effort into it and tried approach the subject anyway. It would make this all easier to figure out, and he wouldn't feel guilty over not understanding it in the first place. He wouldn't be worrying about what this means, what is this part of Souji that he still doesn't know after all this time that created this place. Remembering what was the first thing to greet them on the previous floor makes him wonder. _Loneliness._ , he realizes. _That's the theme here. You were probably the most worried, out of all of us, when it looked like the case was over, weren't you...?_

It still didn't explain a lot of things, but honestly, by the time they were done with this, it probably wouldn't matter. They all knew the pattern by now, Yosuke and Souji most of all; when they'll confront his Shadow, it'll spill everything anyway. The idea made him almost nervous. It would be like a test to how much of his partner he really knew.

Souji's shadow, this time, they find standing at the entrance with his back to them, head tilted slightly upwards, posture entirely and utterly still, almost statuesque.

"...But no matter how many things I try to convince myself of... he was right." His voice is low, soft, barely above a whisper, and he speaks slowly, deliberately stretching out the words. "We really... are similair."

Yosuke wants to yell at him and scream at that he's wrong, that MItsuo's shadow is not someone to listen and that it just talking shit, things to that effect; instead he asks, "What did you mean by what you said earlier? About his current state, about not being immune to..." 

_...The allure of the idea of living within delusion_ , the words echo uncomfortably in his mind, because he thought that if anyone would be, it's Souji. It's what he proved to them all, isn't it? And he always knew. Souji's not like the rest of them. He's different. He wouldn't fall for the traps they did, he doesn't have the same flaws they do, and it's why he's their leader, why he's so well-liked and admired and yet at the same time almost untouchable, almost above them, almost inhuman, like some sort of god. It's why Yosuke is glad to be the only one who knows that it isn't true, why Yosuke is glad to know that there is side of him that needs to be rescued, that can be weak too and have imperfections. But it's a side so a barely shown that sometimes Yosuke has to remind himself, though that moment, that it exists.

Souji's shadow turns to face them slowly. Everything in the way he stands and moves is devoid of life, and its eyes looking at nothing and nowhere, like a twisted, darker version of Souji's usual calm and neutral expression.

"At the moment... he is within himself. When you reach him, you should be able to wake him up. But he might not want you to." It walks soundlessly into the darkness of the exit, and Naoto was right, it really is taunting them. Every motion and action of it simply screams, _Catch me if you can._

They take a short break before advancing to the next floor at Yukiko's suggestion in spite of not having to put much effort at all through most of the fighting; Souji always had a habit of doing so whenever they would reach the fifth or fourth floors, and would use the opportunity of checking everyone's conditions, how much they can go on, occasionally switching a party member, and sometimes, if they weren't saving someone, for extra training. It's mainly out of force of habit that he does so then. 

It's also mainly out of force of habit that, after explaining everything they've encountered so far, he switchs out Chie for Kanji, and when the latter starts to complain, Naoto pleasantly reminds him that he has the luck of not having to go through the dungeon he generated again, and that, with Yosuke deciding that he doesn't want to lose their fire user by replacing her with Teddie, he's going to be the only one.

**Floor Five**

" _Hey, Senpai, have you ever thought that you're pushing yourself too far, or that you were just acting...?_ " " _All the time._ " Suzuka Gongen crushes a Persistent Fuzz. " _Really...? Then you might even be a better actor than me. But I see... You've been through a lot, too..._ " A Sonic Raven is gone in a burst of fire from Amaterasu. 

" _W-Wow, I'm kinda surprised... you project the image of strength, so I didn't expect you to say that..._ " A Liberating Idol disappears in a flash of powerful, bright light. " _Senpai, you'll say that to just anyone, huh? It's dangerous to try to tell everyone what they want to hear... too bad, though! Risette wasn't fooled._ " Green light envelops a Killing Hand. 

Her and Senpai's voices are replaced with Teddie's. " _I see… so one's insides are important… but I'm all empty…_ " They five of them run, steps echoing all around the hallways and filling the silence among them. " _Am I going to be all alone again…? No… that's not what I want!_ " Rise wonders how Teddie would have felt here.

Airheaded and ditzy the public may see her and she may have spent a long time acting as, but Rise sees. Rise listens. Rise watches, and observes. It takes one to know one, so when Rise meets Souji, it doesn't take very long for her to recognize in him something no one else seems to.

If one were to ask Rise what is it that she likes about Souji, she could go on and on for a very long time. Because Senpai is kind and considerate and always listens and always says the exact right thing. Because Senpai is so smart and clever. Because Senpai is charismatic and charming and smooth and suave. Because Senpai is handsome and amazing and cool and brave. Because Senpai is perfect in every way and there's nothing not to like about him, seriously, you know?

What she doesn't say is her little secret. Because Senpai is just like me. Because I can see it, the way he can slip into being many, many different people. Because I can see how he changes into a different person in different situations, depending on who he talks to; that Senpai when we're sitting in Junes as the investigation team and discussing the case, and Senpai when we're going to hang out together are two different people, the Senpai who goes to train with Chie-senpai, the Senpai spends time talking with Naoto-kun, the Senpai who goes playing sports and practicing at cultural clubs and the Senpai who's Nanako's big bro are all different people. 

It's all in the little things, that the average person wouldn't notice, but Rise has lived a life of being many, many different people, learning to slip into different shoes, into truly _becoming_ someone else, and if anyone knows all about having so many masks and facades at once, it's her. Rise knows why is it that Souji has many Personas, why they constantly change and more and more appear and what they represent.

She doesn't say, if anyone asks, that the core of it is, and what pulled her towards him, is because Senpai is so fascinating to me. I want to understand him and know him, totally and completley. I want to know more about him, about what makes him tick, about why he is the way he is. It doesn't matter if it's as a friendship or as any other kind of relationship; whether he returns them or not, my feelings for him won't change.

She wonders if he notices. Sometimes it really seems like he does. Sometimes she drops a little hint, some subtle and some less so. But now she really begins to think that he sees, and wishes they had discussed it, brought it up, feels a little hole in their relationship that should have been complete. And as they fight their way through the dungeon generated by him and slowly get to know more of him they never knew existed, Rise realizes another side of him, another part of him, exists that she didn't know. That there are parts of him different from her too. But that's okay too. It doesn't mean she can't understand him, after all. 

For a moment something's wrong. Kanzeon's scans get blurry, her connection with the others briefly breaks, and she makes a wrong turn and suddenly finds herself separated from the rest of the group in an empty hallway, a sudden dizziness assaults her, and—

—And turns to find herself standing alone in a room with Souji's shadow, standing in a corner with its back turned away from her, hands in pockets, glancing at its shoes.

"'No real me', she says." He mutters to himself, like an actor doing a monologue in a play. "That's your answer, but what about me? I can't accept a solution like that. If we have the same problem, how come you find your salvation and I don't? Is that fair? I'm jealous. I want to find some kind of closure for myself too."

So he does notice. And notices a lot. It's not surprising, oh, not at all, it's so like him, but Rise is almost relieved and at the same time a little frustrated that he never talked to her about it. She bites her lip. _This is what Senpai's been thinking, secretly._ She reminds herself. This is him. This is not some monstrous creature stealing his face; this is a part of him. So maybe it's pointless, but she still tells him "Even if we're similair, Senpai, we're still different people. My answer doesn't have to be yours."

They stand in a still silence for one moment before Souji's shadow begins to speak again. 

"...I'm really jealous. It was other people who manufactured identities for you, and other people that forced you to fit into an ideal they set for you, and refused to accept you as you are, but me? I only have myself to blame. It's all my fault. I did all this to myself."

"That's okay too." 

It makes a short sound half-resembling laughter. Rise realizes that this personality doesn't fit the pattern she has noticed up til now, and wonders why. "He'd love to hear that. You should be telling all that to him, not me."

"But you're a part of Senpai too, so-"

That's all she gets to say before she's suddenly back where they used to be, sitting unsteadily on the floor, feeling a little lightheaded, as if adjusting to consciousness after waking up from a coma, but otherwise fine. She can see the rest of the team around her in similair states, blurry figures that slowly clear up as she comes to.

"What happened...?" Chie-senpai asks, the first to stand back up.

"Not sure." After her, it's Yosuke-senpai. "I remember how we were walking, and then suddenly I got dizzy and had a headache, and then..."

"...And then we were here." Yukiko says as Chie helps her stand up, while Rise offers a hand to Naoto, and who takes it, while she wonders if she should talk about what she just saw. That train of thought is interrupted when she feels Naoto, glancing around the room, suddenly freeze, her eyes transfixed on something behind the group.

"What's wrong?" Rise follows her gaze, the rest of the team joining her, and then it instantly becomes clear.

Souji's shadow sits casually on the ledge in the middle of the room, grinning from ear to ear. "Hi again, guys! Boy, is it nice to finally take on a personality that I can talk to you in again. The last one, it was _really_ difficult to carry a conversation in, you have _no idea_." He speaks in a much higher pitch of tone, not quite exaggerated to the point of sounding unnatural but so odd to see on him, of all people, that everyone only stands in silence for a moment, Yosuke being the first to recover.

"Are you going to start talking more clearly now?" He doesn't sound angry, but there is an edge of frustration to his voice. "What's going on with Souji? What's all that talk about being 'within himself'?"

Souji's shadow shakes his head. "And ruin the surprise? No way! I told you everything that's important to know, didn't I?" Then makes an exaggeratedly thoughtful expression. "Though I guess it might be fair to clear things up, but do you guys really want to waste time talking to me? Your leader's waiting, you know!"

"He's right, guys." Rise jumps in, quickly, as they look ready to protest. "We should instead get to him as quickly as we can." 

Yosuke looks from Souji's shadow to Rise, presses his lips tightly together, and nods. "Fine." he says with reluctance seeping into his voice, and turns away from it, urging the rest of the group to follow. Rise looks back at it one last time before she joins them, and it sends a peace sign her way.

And then, one moment before they leave the room for good—

"To stop him from escaping, and to prove a point, I trapped him in an illusion where a certain period of time is constantly looping. But I wouldn't have been able to if he didn't allow it." Pitch back to normal, tone as usual, for a moment he sounds exactly, indistinguishably like Senpai. They turn around automatically, but the shadow is gone and absent as thought he was never there.

**Floor Six**

Rise has visited the bathhouse while training once or twice, but she can't imagine what it must be like to fight through several floors of this, and is glad that she never had to find out.

" _I don't care who... won't someone, please, accept me...? Accept me for who I am!_ "

On the other hand, she is also glad that Kanji isn't here; he really is lucky not to have to visit it again, even if they have all grown less embarrassed and uncomfortable about the places where their shadows awakened over time. 

" _Yeah, I want that too... don't we all want that? Please, like me for myself. Please, like me for me and not who I pretend to be. I... only ever wanted is for someone to like me. But now I wonder, do people like me, or is it the person they see me as?_ "

But when she hears that, such an accurate reflection of what she thought and felt thousands of times, a thought that is practically hers, the shock makes her freeze in place and her blood run cold.

Chie is first to notice, and turns around with a concerned, "Are you alright, Rise-chan?", everyone following suit.

"Yeah," she says numbly. "It's just that... I..." How do you explain, exactly, _For a moment there I almost thought I was hearing my own thoughts and not Senpai's_?

Just as it seems as Souji's shadow stops following, appearing at odd and random places, they spot it near the exit, a dark spot within the white steam, leaning against the wall, posture tall and confident, arms folded and head held high. He's grinning, but oddly enough there's no malice in it; it's a perfectly normal sort of expression and, again, strangely familiar, only yellow eyes giving it an ominous tint.

"Y'know, he was pretty damned desperate to get the hell out of here without having to face me. But really, it's more like he really, _really_ didn't want you all to see me. So I thought, I should do this just to spite him. And I mean, if that ain't hypocritical of him I don't know what is. He just can't expect to get away with being the only one not to go through this forever, yeah?"

"...I always thought he would." Yukiko whispers quietly when it disappears again. "It didn't seem that strange to me that he didn't have to go through what we did, but..."

"Me too." Chie-senpai looks a little bit ashamed. "Haha... I feel a little bad for doing this now, if it was that bad... but we have no choice at this point, do we?"

"None of us wanted to have the rest witness our shadows either. I mean, in my case it was just him and Teddie, but none of us were given choices in that regard." Yosuke says while they climb the steps leading to the next floor. "...But, personally, I... well, it's probably easiest for me to say, but I don't know if I regret it at this point. I mean, hey, what it eventually all led to was something good, right?" 

**Floor Seven**

"It's true." Yukiko nods while they ascend to be greeted by, as she expected, the view of her old castle, going from yellows and oranges to bright, powerful reds. "The actual experience wasn't pleasant, but... I'm glad for what came out of it."

She wonders what would have happened if she'd never let all those feelings out and faced and acknowledged them. Just let them all pile up inside, rotting with time, until they suffocated her, until she couldn't contain them all and they would accumulate one day and she would be forced to simply spill them out. 

"I think so too," Rise pipes up from behind them, from underneath Kanzeon. "I think I'm really glad I faced myself, and how much I changed because of it."

Reluctantly, Naoto admits, "I, as well. Although I would have not minded for it to have gone a little differently."

Yosuke laughs, "Yeah, I would have liked to be prepared for that, that's for sure. Some kind of 'hey, an evil clone of you is about to come out and spill out all your darkest deepest secrets and inner thoughts, might want to watch out for that, and I know it'll be difficult but whatever you do don't deny that it's you' sign."

_But why is it that Souji-kun so desperate? What is it that he doesn't want us to see so badly?_ His shadow certainly was something in a lot of ways, but mostly odd and had a tendency for cryptic, indirect speech, among the part of it that was constantly changing personalities for no reason; nowhere near as embarrassing as theirs were. It didn't seem to be anything that it would make sense for someone would be so desperate about hiding. 

But then again she wasn't Souji. It was probably something only he would understand. And it wouldn't be fair of him to expect to be instantly willing to open himself up. No, what was odd to her was mostly that he didn't accept it. Surely that should be his first course of action, thinking about it logically? And Souji was nothing if not as reasonable and as sensible as he could be. Most of the time, anyway, but in a situation like this, surely...

The shadows they encounter here, fighting through is practically a joke; they disappear instantly after a shot from Naoto's gun, a cut from Yosuke's knives, even just a slight kick from Chie and even at the slightest contact with Yukiko's fan. They are much fewer than the previous floor, drastically so, and it makes the castle seem much bigger, and the echo of their steps seem to double in the vast space. 

" _I'm sick of my family chaining me down, too. My parents... it's all because of them, isn't it? If it weren't for them, I were just a normal person, like everyone else! I wouldn't have to deal with all this!_ " 

"He never did talk about his family much, huh?" Chie comments idly. "I thought it was just because there's not much to talk about, like mine..."

"I do remember him saying his parents are the reason he moved, but not much above that."

"Um," says Rise, and then goes straight back to silence. Then speaks up again, after a long, hesitant pause, "He told me once that it happens a lot. Having to move and change schools because of his parents... I'd be a bit resentful too, in his place."

"Oh, I'm surprised you remember that. I mentioned it quite offhandedly."

They somehow didn't even notice it as they passed it, too absorbed in their conversation, but there he is, standing with its hands behind his back, without stiffness but still and straight enough that he almost looks like a piece of furniture. Against her better judgement, Yukiko finds herself stopping in her tracks, looking behind her, watching him.

"But dependence on your friends... yes, that's something I'm quite familiar with now. I should have seen it as the warning sign it is." It isn't looking at her, staring into the distance again. "I know that they need me, but... I wonder if realize how much I need them? I wonder what they'd think if they knew how pathetic I actually am, how much I depend on their friendship..." 

"Senpai." Naoto's voice distracts her. She turns to see the rest of the team standing near the end of the hallway, and goes to join them quietly, as if nothing happened.

**Floor Eight**

There's nostalgia in emerging here again, in the shopping district where it all started.

It's as if he's back to many, many months ago, when they were just two classmates who just met and were becoming friends, just a pair of teenagers getting involved in stuff entirely by accident, when overpowering boredom is what motivated him above all, and all those dark, ugly feelings of resentment and frustration and looking down on everything surrounding him. He almost misses it, sometimes, that time when it was just the two of them, but then again, from the very beginning, it was never just them, but them and Chie. Still, he wouldn't mind to be able to, just a few times, fight side-by-side with him, alone, even if just once.

It's even emptier than the castle, and not a shadow in sight. A perfect imitation indeed. "This should be the last floor if we're going by reverse order. Can you sense Souji anywhere?"

"I can, but not here... his shadow isn't here either. We're close, though. Really close. There's still one floor left... if you could call it that."

"Another floor?" Chie blinks. "But how do we find where it is? It's not like there's stairs here or anything..."

_If this is really a perfect imitation, then..._

Sure enough, the same vortex that lead to the inside of the liquor store is there when they reach it. Considering how this is an imitation of an imitation, it makes being here a very odd experience. 

"Kujikawa?"

Rise nods. "Yeah, this leads to the next floor. I'm sure of it. And that's where Senpai is..."

The only question now is, considering how they've gone through everywhere they've ever been in, where that is.

Yosuke steps through the portal to find himself in—

**Floor Nine**

—A place he doesn't recognize at all. A simple, large room with light-colored grey walls, white windows that show nothing but darkness, and a simple-looking white door that would look normal if not for size. Soon the rest of them follow behind soon, as curious as he is. 

"Senpai! He's behind those doors!" 

"Gotcha." Yosuke turns around. "Then we'll do as usual, wait for Kanji and Ted to catch up, and take a break in the meantime, yeah?"

The group nods. Souji always wanted for all of them to be around when they're facing off the shadows, just in case they might need someone, and experience taught him to make sure to take a break and rest before they went to confront whoever it was they were rescuing or chasing after. In cases that he didn't simply go home because they were too exhausted too fight, that is; it always depended on how much they managed to make it through. 

Rarely did they clear an entire dungeon in one day for many reasons, but with Rise's new ability to restore their reserves of energy and healing them every once in a some time, and the general ease with which they made it through this one, meant that there wasn't any of the usual worries.

Teddie soon comes bouncing in, Kanji following him. There isn't any need for explanations, and even Teddie is silent, his expression serious. They gather in front of the deceptively average-looking doors, standing behind Yosuke. He takes a deep breath, and opens the doors.

—

It's a massive room, much bigger than the last, wider and with a higher ceiling, a few wide, thin steps at the beginning. Souji lies against one of the walls, eyes closed, looking as if just peacefully asleep, a lone figure in the middle of all the grey.

They all rush to him at quickly as they can, and Yosuke leans in and gives him a light shove. "Partner! Hey, Partner! Wake up!"

"Sensei!" Teddie quickly joins in. "We're here! It's okay now!"

Souji stirs, begins to make slow, dazed movement before and blinking a few times before half-opening his eyes and he moves his head, eyes narrowed as he readjusts to light. "Ah..." Another blink. "Guys?"

Yosuke offers him a hand as Rise sighs in relief. "Yeah, we're here. Sorry it took so long."

There is a moment where Souji's eyes go wide awake as if suddenly remembering something, but it's soon replaced with a small, wan smile as he takes the offered hand.

"No, it's fine. I..." He stands up, somewhat shakily, Yosuke holding him up. "...Sorry about all this. For all the trouble."

"What are you talking about?" Kanji grins. "Anything for our leader."

"Yeah, it's no trouble!" Chie adds, everyone nodding in fierce agreement.

"But do try to be more careful next time," Naoto says, a little huffily, glancing away. "You are usually more responsible than this and take care of yourself better, but..."

"Come on, Naoto-kun." Rise shakes a scolding finger. "Senpai is allowed to mess up to once in a while."

"Haha." Souji, in spite of his smile, looks nervous, covered in sweat and constantly glancing around. "Then, we should..."

"Oh, no, no, no no." And then a completley different voice comes from far beside them, and Souji flinches, teeth clenched, and for just a moment mutters something that almost sounds like a swear.

His shadow strolls towards them, slow, lazy steps, shaking his head in and clicking his tounge in a mocking imitation of a reprimanding parent. "You're not going _anywhere._ " The expression on its face is unlike anything it showed before, what they'd come to expect from shadows, a wide-eyes, sickeningly amused smile, malice written all over it.

"Now did you _seriously_ think I was going to let you just walk away? You're not nearly that special. Still, you _really_ didn't want them to see this, right? Anything to maintain their image of you as their wonderful, perfect, squeaky-clean leader so utterly and totally without any flaws. You've worked so hard to cultivate it, after all. The almighty, superior Souji Seta, who definitely doesn't have any of these dark sides, oh no, _our_ Senpai is _perfect._ Ours is like a _god_. And doesn't it feel so good, knowing that's how they think of you?"

Expression still frozen on his face, Souji stirs. "Senpai-" Rise says quietly, taking hold of his arm. 

"It's fun, isn't it? Being so good at putting up facades, wearing masks. I can be everyone and _anyone_ , sometimes even two people who couldn't be more different. Isn't it fun to be able to see right through people, being able to tell them exactly what they want, ? I love it. I love how I can always know the right thing to say, how I can always connect by becoming a different person, how I tell them exactly the perfect thing and they throw themselves all over me, praise me, appreciate me, accept me, love me." 

In her hold, Rise feels Souji twitch, a brief expression of anger fleeting across his face, just for a moment.

"Isn't it great, how powerful it makes you feel? As if you're controlling them. Nothing feels as good as getting someone to do something and knowing it's because of you. Getting to kill all-powerful creatures inside alternate dimensions is satisfying, but the hold you have over everyone? Oh, yeah, now that's the _best_ kind of power."

Souji shakes off her grip and in a flash , practically _flies_ at the shadow, and then everything happens at once- one moment the shadow is gripping both of Souji's arms, then there's a cry of pain and Souji is below it on his hands and knees. face down and body shaking.

"But then," His shadow continues, the smirk and mocking tone of voice replaced by a utterly blank expression and emotionless voice, "Then you start getting confused. I spent so much time changing and shifting from self to self and from so many different people, that I start to get lost. You start to forget yourself, and you're scared. You're losing track of who _you_ are. If I'm everyone, then who am I? Who is the real me? Who am I, underneath all those facets, all these people? You start questioning yourself, wondering, am I even a person? Can someone like me really be considered that?"

And then it glances at Rise. "But then you meet her. You meet someone exactly like you, someone whose struggles mirror your so perfectly it's perhaps the most amazing coincidence yet. You hope that maybe she can help you, that she can save you. That by helping her and watching her come to find a solution, you can find one of your own. And then she says... there is no real me. There's no real me. _There's no real me._ The solution she finds, that satisfies her, that helps her overcome her problem, is that there isn't such a thing as a real her underneath at all. Yay, good for you, congratu-fucking-lations!" He throws his hands in the air and spreads them in an exaggerated, sarcastic motion. "But what about me? _What about me_? Everybody finds their solutions, everyone finds direction, everyone overcomes their weakness, but what about me?"

A silence. Souji's shadow slowly lowers his hands, facing the other direction.

"...But the truth is, that I know. I know there's no real me either. I know there's nothing left of me underneath all those identities I manufactured for myself. But I don't want to accept that, I don't. Why can't I pretend that there's a real me underneath just itching to come out, and that when I do, everything will be just fine and dandy and I can finally be myself? It's so much easier. So much easier than to accept that I am nothing underneath, and that it's all because of me. After all, you see, in the end it's all my fault. The reason I am empty underneath is because I destroyed my original self with my old hands. And that's what you're afraid of accepting the most, right?" He looks down at Souji at his feet, not as shaky but still in the same position, breathing heavily.

"But is that really all it, sometimes I wonder. After all, I just did it because I wanted to be liked. I just wanted friendships. But no matter how many times I make them and become close to people, they never last. They _say_ , we'll always be friend. They _say_ they'll never leave us. They talk and talk and talk but the moment I have to leave, poof, it's like I was never there. Not even the slightest bit of effort and trying to keep a connection. I'm just a fun toy they play around this and forget all about the moment it's too much trouble to reach, because it might seem like the best toy in the world when you have it, but at the end of the day, it means nothing. No matter how much they mean to me, I mean nothing to them. And these guys, why should they be any different?"

"Stop it." Souji says, suddenly enough that the rest of the team nearly jump at his sudden voice. He looks up at his shadow. "They're not like that... they're-"

" _Special_. That's what you're going to say. Wouldn't that be nice? Wouldn't it be great if we finally found the kind friends we wanted to badly? After all, we got so attached to them. Yosuke says you're special, and the first thing you want to tell him is, you're special to me too, you have no idea how, you're the first real friend I've ever had. But we don't really believe that, do we? We keep doubting. We want to believe in them, we do. And yet... we're afraid. How do I know they're not just like everyone else? How can I trust them to be different? What if this is just like every other time? What if I don't mean anything to them after all?"

"Stop it!"

"It's funny, when you think about it. I act because I want people to like me, but it's what prevents me from becoming close to them. Why does everyone leave, I ask myself, cry to myself like a fucking little baby, but I know why. I know why this always happens. Because they never get to know my real self. I can blame it on my parents all I want, on all that moving I have to always do, but the fact that I never make real friendship is because I never _truly_ allow myself to get attached. Because it's always me who's distancing myself from them and not letting myself getting to know them for real. But is that so bad? After all... there is no way anyone would like us if they knew what we're underneath, right, me?"

For just a moment, Souji falters, uncertainty flickering across his face.

"But it's enough. I've had enough. I'm so lonely, so so lonely, and I don't want to be alone anymore! I'm tired, I'm tired of it! I've had enough of being alone, I've had enough of solitude, I'd rather die than be abandoned again so I don't care if I have to delude myself! I don't care if it means that I have to remain in an illusion within the fog, I don't care if it means lying to myself!" 

Souji freezes, only barely suppressing a fleeting expression of horror. " _Don't_ ," he hisses with panic slipping into his voice, while his shadow ignores him, continuing on. 

"The people within my illusions would never, _ever_ leave me. I don't care even if they're not even people or that they're fake, that they're just puppets that exist soley to satisfy my overwhelming feelings of loneliness. I don't care. I just want to be with everyone. I just don't want to leave them. Our precious, beloved, dearest friends and family, they're not just what we obtained here, but right now, all we have, and we're nothingness again the moment they're gone."

"Shut up!"

"Are you going to deny me now? You of all people should know better. What happened to "you're still yourself" and "everyone's the same inside"? It's easy to say when you're not the one who just faced the worst side of yourself in front of other people, isn't it?" It leans in closer. "That thing is just a part of you, keep telling them, reassuring them with. And maybe I'm just a part of you too. Or maybe..." 

And then, and then it says with such a hollow expression and to Souji, that's the worst thing of all.

“I’m all you are. Maybe there's nothing left of you inside but me."

"No." Souji whispers, the team already taking battle positions, suppressing the automatic urge to scream _Don't_ , knowing its pointlessness from experience, and wondering if maybe this, like Kanji once suggested, is for the best after all. And he rises, and looks it in the face and hisses, "Never. Shut up, shut up, _shut up_ , you-"

"Yeah, come on, say it!"

"You're no one, you're nothing, I'll never accept you, I won't ever accept you, you're not even the slightest bit like me!"

There is no laugh, barely any reaction at all. He only throws it heads back, and lets black darkness flow from out of it as it and envelop it, a deep voice echoing throughout the entire room saying, _I am everyone, and therefore, I am no one._

—

Souji doesn't know how long it lasted, or what it was like, how soon it's over. He simply knows that it seems like only collapsed just a moment before he is back to consciousness again, and is starting it down again, a silent, golden eyed figure, in the middle of that place so oddly resembling his old home, his parents' home.

...No, of course that's what it resembles. He is suddenly all to aware, so uncomfortable aware of everyone around him, and settles to staring at his shoes, warm in the face, because he can't bring himself to look at his shadow, and after all, how can he possibly look at them now?

"I..." he begins to say, not having anything in mind in particular. What choice does he have, though, other than to face it, but then a hand is on his shoulder and another holding on to his hand, and Yosuke is beside him, saying, "It's alright, Souji", and on the other side, Rise, and it's nothing like her usual joking, playful flirting but a genuine and fond, "I'll love you no matter what."

Souji gathers his courage and raises his head, looking from one to the other. "Guys, I... I'm really sorry." There are footsteps as everyone gathers around him, but their voices are encouraging, kind, and he looks backward to see determined smiles on them all.

"You accepted us all for who we are too. And you're our friend. Friends accept each other for who they are." Yosuke lightly taps him on the back.

"My shadow wasn't much better too," Chie says, a little flustered. "And I can understand some of your feelings." 

"Nobody's perfect, Senpai, and we know that better than anyone. S'alright." 

"Yeah, it's okay, Souji-kun. You don't need to feel ashamed of it." 

"We won't look down on you for being as human as we are, Senpai." 

"And I understand your feelings perfectly." Rise adds.

Teddie hops towards him. "It'll be okay, Sensei! I know how you feel too. I changed myself because I wanted to be liked.. and I was afraid of being empty too. But I realized something... it doesn't have to be a bad thing to be empty. It just means you can be filled with whatever you want, how much you want, right?" 

He looks back at the shadow, meets its brightly glowing eyes and finds himself wiping his eyes and, _Oh, no, I'm not going to cry over this, I am definitely not going to cry over this, oh damn it I'm crying_. 

"Yeah," he says in a chocked voice. "...Thank you." He takes a little gulp before continuing. "...I think... I can acknowledge it. That... that you're right. That everything you said was true. That I- that I like feeling powerful and feeling like I'm better than others, that I lost myself underneath all my facades, that I'm scared of being alone, that I let myself be trapped within an illusion and didn't care as long as I can be with everyone... I can acknowledge it. I'm you, and... you're me!"

The shadow fades into blue light with a nod, and is replaced by a distinctly familiar black-coated masked figure, that makes Souji smile and think, _long time no see_. 

Collapsing on his knees in exhaustion, he sighs. "I sure have a lot to think about and to work on, huh?"

"Just like we all did." Rise giggles. "It'll be okay. We'll help you through it, just like you helped us."


End file.
